Hovering

I've been reading a lot lately about the 'helicopter parents' syndrome. That's where parents become so overly involved in their children's lives, they won't let them have any unstructured play time. They freak out if their boys make weapon toys out of sticks (which, I'm told, boys do pretty much on their own) or run through the neighborhood. They not only help kids with their homework, they do it for them, and if Johnny doesn't get an A, they call the teacher to demand it.

When the kids get older, these parents talk to their child daily from college, read their papers and correct them, calling the professors if the child doesn't get good grades. After that, they actually call job recruiters to find out why their child wasn't hired. In fact, they probably wrote the resume and the cover letter and scheduled the interview as well.

WTF????? When did we get to the place where we couldn't just let kids be kids and make their own mistakes? Granted, I don't have any of my own (kids, not mistakes, I have a lot of mistakes), so I'm speaking from an observer's platform only (and as a former kid). Can't we fence in our back yards to prevent kids from abduction and then let them run around and get messy instead of worrying about clean clothes and PC play? To paraphrase my cousin's grandmother, it was a good day when the kids came home dirty.

Can't we let kids make their own mistakes? Didn't do your homework? Take the F. Didn't pay your bills? Pay the penalties and the collection agency. Didn't get up in time for class? Set your alarm next time and explain it to the prof yourself.

One guy on this blog I'm reading says his young daughter found a rusty razor blade on the playground. She told another child to keep an eye on it while she went to get a teacher. When the teacher arrived, the razor blade was apparently thrown out, while the girl was taken to the principal's office, and suspension papers begun because she had 'endangered the other students by pointing out a weapon to them.' The dad called his lawyer.

I'm not sure here who overreacted, but I think it was both of them. The principal for being WAY too anal about the 'rules' and the dad for getting furious immediately. Stupidity has run amok with the fear of litigation, and we've stopped looking at what really happened here. The little girl was smart and safe, and behaved EXACTLY as I'd like my kid to behave. She should have been commended.

I used to get on my mom's case about some similar behavior. I admit it, my parents helicoptered, all with the best intentions (as I'm quite sure all these parents have). We were shy kids and it was hard for us to stand up for ourselves, especially when we were very young. Still, I'm finding there are drawbacks when you get older to letting your parents helicopter you. It's hard for them to LET GO. While I was in college the first few years, my folks came to town and took me grocery shopping (I didn't have a car then). When I got a car and a job, I was able to take care of all of that myself, but they still asked if I needed groceries. That continued after college and almost to this day. "What do you need?" they'll ask, which is very sweet, and I'll either tell them 'nothing' or in the recent instance, I bought shelves for my guest bedroom and needed another set of hands to help me carry them home from Lowe's. Then my brother and my dad installed them while I was hanging up pictures in the other room with my mom's help.

So I guess on the one hand it's nice to have their assistance and their willingness to help when I need it, and we do help each other out often. On the other hand, my mother still wants to know if I've paid my bills, and my dad keeps wanting to offer me money (I had a low paying job for several years). And after a while I get a little testy about it, because as much as they want to help, sometimes it just gets a little smothering. So I'm learning how to handle that - to 'push back' gently, to say "I can buy that myself" and when Dad asks if I can afford it, I just say yes and offer no further explanations. (Okay, I did say "I have a credit card" which didn't help.)

It's odd to have to assert one's independence at this age, but I still do. And my guess is a lot of these kids will eventually find all of this help restricting, and the parents will find Junior living at home at age 30 to be a real pain in the butt.