Movie Review: X-Files: I Want to Believe

I wanted to like this movie. I really did. I gave it every opportunity to wow me, to bring on a sense of recollection, to slip me an in-joke. Instead, it just grossed me out and left me sorely disappointed.

When we rejoin our favorite FBI agents, Scully is working as a doctor in a Catholic hospital and clashing with one of the Fathers about the treatment of a dying boy (named Christian, in a obviously heavy metaphor). And Mulder is clipping articles from newspapers, tacking them up in a little room, and not shaving.

The FBI decides it wants Mulder back to help with an investigation into an agent's disappearance, and sends Agent Mosley Drummy (rapper/actor Xzibit) to seek out Scully. She's no longer working with Mulder or the FBI, but she dutifully tells Mulder that they need his help with a psychic priest (Billy Connolly) who claims to have visions of the missing agent and clues into a mutilated arm found in the snow. Mulder gets pulled into the case, which involves missing women, body parts, and Callum Keith Rennie doing his creepy best with a Russian accent.

This movie wants desperately to be a love story about Mulder and Scully, and it wants to be a story about faith and belief and reason. Instead, it comes off as a muddled mess. I never figured out if Mulder and Scully are actually living together - they're in a relationship, obviously, which also I find offputting, as I liked them better in their chaste courtship, but Scully walks into Mulder's house hesitantly. She doesn't knock, but she doesn't act like she lives there either. And while David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are excellent in these worn old roles and both look great, the change in their relationship and the circumstances in which they find themselves seem strained. They have chemistry, but I don't need to see them making out or snuggling in bed. That's never what their relationship was about during the show. Mulder making dirty jokes at Scully feels awkward and a little surreal.

Scully is having an awkward crisis of faith and wants to condemn Father Crissman - the psychic priest - for his bad deeds; Mulder wants to believe him; Agent Dakota Whitney (Amanda Peet) doesn't know what to do. I never did figure out what her role was. Does she believe, like Mulder does? Or is she grasping at straws? Mulder and Scully have their old battle about belief and reason, and yet it feels stilted and old hat, like the characters should have moved beyond this, especially if they're sleeping together. (If they hadn't seen each other in a long time, then yes, I might have bought this. But none of this is ever clear, and it sure isn't the fault of any of the actors. Everyone cast does as good a job as they can. It's the script that fails them.)

This movie also wants desperately to appeal to those who don't know the show AND to those who do. But you have to pick one. Xzibit and Peet do the best they can with minimal roles - we could probably have done without both of them, honestly - but nothing really looks familiar to us. I don't recognize the halls Mulder and Scully walk at the FBI, or any of the agents. In fact, by the time we get one familiar face (and just one, if you don't count Rennie, who was originally up for the role of Krycek and later did two episodes of the show) it seems like the writers are pandering to the old Phile crowd. Like, look at this! You know this person!

That's the only in-joke we get. There's a reference to William, Scully and Mulder's son, and to Samantha, Mulder's sister, but the latter feels like a retread, because that issue felt resolved to me after the show had ended. To have it referenced in this movie felt like another moment to appease long-time fans, but instead it feels tacked on, to explain who Mulder is. But don't most people who would see this movie already know who he is and what spurs him? How many people are going to stumble into the theater without ever having seen the show?

Part of the problem is the fact that the show went on too long - probably two whole seasons - and killed off a lot of the charismatic characters we came to know and love or hate. The Lone Gunmen, Cancer Man, Krycek, Well-Manicured Man, Mr X, Deep Throat - all of them are missing. We don't even get Kersch. So the movie feels like a shadow of what the X-Files used to be.

And the story itself is gruesome and violent. I know the X-Files did some pretty horrific things over the course of the show, but this just seemed way too overdone - too slasher film. I covered my eyes several times and I found it uncomfortable in a way I couldn't easily put aside.

The movie also hands us a huge plot hole - Scully puts her faith in a science that the Catholic church has been vocal about rejecting in the real world. Yet in the movie that's not what the church is objecting to - it's upset that Scully wants to try to save this boy when they feel he should be left to die in peace. So we watch Scully wrestle with what she's doing - is she saving him? Is she making him into William? Is she causing him unnecessary pain? Does she believe in God or not? Her faith takes a beating but never feels real to me - it feels forced and heavy-handed from the beginning, when fans are used to a much more subtle treatment of her issues of faith (watch "Revelations" instead). In short, I missed the little green men.

Animals: Large dogs take a lot of abuse in the last third of this movie - they are shown mutilated in pictures and Mulder seriously wounds one who attacks him. I found this very disturbing on top of the violence done to the people. I actually considered walking out.

Overall: This movie felt like a X-Files film made by somebody who only knew a little bit about the show, and who wanted to gross us out with a slasher film. I was seriously disappointed, and while it was nice to see familiar characters, the plotline and the main characters' relationship has gone beyond the point of being either interesting or comfortable. I give it two roses out of five, and one of those roses is strictly because of the cast. Grab a DVD of Seasons Two or Three again and skip the film.

Movie Review: Iron Man

I decided, after months of not going to the theater, that I was going to use part of my gift card to go see this comic book adaptation, which had gotten rave reviews from some female friends - so I knew I wasn't dealing with strict fanboyism. Nor did any of them strike me as ragingly hot for Robert Downey Junior (who, I must admit, kind of surprises me that he's still alive, what with that druggy youth).

I wasn't disappointed.

Iron Man is, as you'd expect, your typical superhero genesis tale. Tony Stark (Downey Jr) is a rich playboy whose family money comes from manufacturing weapons. He gets a kick out of posh drinking and blowing things up. He flirts incorrigibly and sleeps around. He chats up the soldiers taking him to the demonstration site in Afghanistan, encouraging them to take pictures with him.

It's not spoiling a lot to tell you it all goes awry and he ends up captured by Afghani terrorists who want him to build a bomb. That part has been released in all the media. It's how he goes about building his supersuit and escaping that's worth letting you see for yourself.

Suffice it to say the CGI never takes over the movie. Maybe it's because the Iron Man suit itself is only somewhat humanoid, unlike, say, the Incredible Hulk, which was displayed in a trailer before this movie. For both this and the previous Hulk, I found the Hulk himself far too CGI for me to suspend disbelief. I don't have a problem with that in Iron Man. In fact, most of the CGI is done really well and in such a way as to not call attention to itself.

Downey Jr is right for this role. I've heard director Jon Favreau (who will always be "that guy" from PCU) encouraged ad-libbing, and it shows - in a good way. Downey Jr carries on a somewhat awkward conversation with the soldiers in his Humvee, but it all seems perfectly natural. He's got an endearingly boyish, rakish charm, and the goatee and sinewy arms sure don't hurt. Even despite his tendency to walk with his belly sticking out like a gangly toddler, he's got sex appeal. You might almost believe a Vanity Fair reporter (Leslie Bibb) writing a scathing piece on him would be tempted with just a few words to fall into bed with him, even if she thinks he's a scoundrel.

This isn't a serious role like Bruce Wayne in Batman. Christian Bale was right for that role (and hella sexy to boot) and Downey Jr is right for this one, juggling sardonic humor and grim shock easily. As a reporter you'd find him downright intriguing to cover because you'd never know what would come out of his mouth, but it would always be worth quoting.

I would be remiss without mentioning the supporting cast. Gwyneth Paltrow, fetching as usual, plays Stark's long-suffering assistant Pepper Potts, without seeming too smug, as she sometimes can. You can easily imagine she's been in love with her boss for years and so doesn't mind the way he goes about his daily business. I would have liked to have seen this role a bit more empowered for the times, but Paltrow doesn't really do shrinking violet anyway. (Plus it was nice to notice she has freckles and isn't ashamed of them.)

Terrance Howard is Col James Rhodes, Stark's best friend, and I always think Howard is grossly underused in his films. He's got a honey smooth voice, a nice-guy face, and of course he can act. I'd like to see him get a bigger role in any subsequent features. If you're a comic book geek, there's supposedly a moment where Rhodes hints at a crime fighting future, but it would have slipped by me had I not read about it elsewhere.

Jeff Bridges is Obadiah Stane, Downey's business partner, and Bridges revels in the vague cross of paternalism and malevolence that is Stane's stock in trade. You won't be surprised by what happens with Stane, but Bridges sells it. Keep an eye out for a purchase order Pepper's scanning about 2/3 of the way through the film. I swear it was made out to a Lebowski. That's an inside joke about a previous Bridges role. (The DUDE!)

Shaun Toub (who has been in a lot more shows that you've seen than you probably realize) is Stark's comrade in captivity Yinsen in a small, predictable role, but he handles it well. Faran Tahir is Raza, clearly the bad guy among bad guys because of his shaved head and haughty demeanor, but he too has an acting resume far more extensive than I'd expected. Both guys have one-note roles but they fill them as well as can be expected. It would have been nice to see those roles more layered.

And two items of note: actor Paul Bettany voices Jarvis, Stark's computer, and a fella I affectionately call Quo Vadimus (Clark Gregg) has a small role as Agent Phil Coulson. This nickname is a reference to his role on the ill-fated Sportsnight, and I've had a soft spot for him ever since. You'll recognize him; the soft-spoken mild-mannered actor pops up everywhere.

Animals: To the best of my recollection, no animals were harmed in this film, but if you like gorgeous cars, you might want to cover your eyes. WHY, oh WHY does Tony Stark practice flying in his GARAGE???

Overall: This movie is easy to plot ahead in your mind, so there are no surprises there. But the acting is solid, the special effects are never intrusive, and basically it's just a fun summer popcorn flick worth enjoying. Three and a half roses out of five.

PS Stick around after the credits for a short additional scene, aimed mostly at fanboys.

Partial Movie Review for 'Hitchhiker's'

I was fully intent upon writing a review for "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", which I recently taped off Sci-Fi. But upon watching it I came to the conclusion that I really shouldn't.

I just don't get it.

I don't get the big deal over Douglas Adams' seminal work. I find it only vaguely witty but mostly disturbing - and I have read it, although that was years ago. I know a lot of people find it almost a religious experience. Me, I just don't. I don't get it at all.

So writing a movie review seems a little silly.

I realize this is a form of British humor, and while I appreciate some British humor, sometimes it has to grow on me. (I prefer the murder mystery, myself. The British mysteries are among the best anywhere.) I felt that way about Monty Python, which did grow on me after time. But Hitchhiker's generally hasn't.

I will say that Sam Rockwell has a hilarious time as Zaphod Beeblebrox, and it's really odd how much Zooey Deschanel (Trillium) resembles her sister Emily, who plays Temperance Brennan on 'Bones.' And I can say that Marvin the depressed robot plays better on screen than in the book, especially when voiced by Alan Rickman. And there are cameos by John Malkovich and Bill Nighy, among others. But I found Beeblebrox's two heads really rather disturbing, and the Vogons look like rejects from 'Dark Crystal.' It's that surreal sci-fi that leaves me feeling a little squirmy.

I'm sure in some way I'm missing what's witty and clever about it - I can admit that there's a lot going on there; it just doesn't appeal to me, nor do I feel that I connect to it, and that's essential to humor. Anyway, if you know what it is I'm missing about this, feel free to let me in on the secret.

In the meantime, I'm sticking to the far-less-surreal world of British murder mystery. There's a stack of Midsomer Murders, Maigret and Mrs. Bradley DVDs just waiting for me.

Movie Review: Sweeney Todd

Hey there! I know it's been a while since I posted anything; the holidays were so crazy and now I'm getting ready for the upcoming wedding, and that's pretty busy too. So I'm a little behind about posting this movie review, but better late than never, right?

For those of you not familiar with Sweeney Todd, it's a musical, based on a play, so there's a lot of singing. That said, this isn't a typical musical with petticoats and love stories and the like. I call it a musical for horror movie fans. And fans of Helena Bonham Carter's cleavage. But more on that in a second.

Here's the basic plot of the film: barber Benjamin Barker (Johnny Depp) is happily married with an infant daughter when a randy judge (Alan Rickman) decides he wants the wife for himself. He has Barker arrested on some trumped-up charge, and Barker is sent up the proverbial river for 15 years. When he comes back, he decides to go by Sweeney Todd. He's hellbent on revenge, even more so when he learns his wife poisoned herself, and his bosomy daughter Johanna is now the ward of said Judge Turpin. He's just a shade cracked, is Sweeney, and he retrieves his old barber knives (oddly enough, although silver, they have not tarnished a bit) and takes up residence above the bakery of Mrs. Lovett (Carter). Then he learns Judge Turpin - no stranger to 'crazy' himself - wants to marry Johanna. From there, things get bloody. Let's just say when Mrs. Lovett cooks up a meat pie, you might want to check for rings, toenails and other unsavory items before you consume.

To say this movie is bloody is the understatement of the year. You might want to skip eating anything during this film, and definitely don't bring in cherry Kool-Aid. Sweeney Todd, exacting his manic revenge on strangers, slits so many throats with his barber's knives that the movie is essentially three colors - black, white, and very very red. This is not a movie for those with weak stomachs. I spent a lot of the bloodiest scenes covering my eyes. Then again, it's Tim Burton. You couldn't expect anything else from him. Even watching Mrs. Lovett make a pie in the early part of the film is enough to make your stomach turn. It even disgusts Sweeney in one of the funniest sequences. (The by-the-sea scenario Mrs. Lovett cooks up is absolutely hilarious.)

Depp and Carter play off each other most of the movie, and they have good chemistry; his singing voice is that of a rock star, not a Broadway show, and her singing voice is thin but she can carry a tune. Rickman doesn't sing as well as I'd expected, but he's passable, and he and Depp sound pretty good together. Jayne Wisener, who plays Johanna, and Jamie Campbell Bower, who plays Anthony, Todd's friend and Johanna's wooer, both sing very well. I don't know if either has a past in theater but I would assume so. (Bower though is so utterly pretty that I expect he's got a brand spanking new legion of teenage girl fans.)

Depp is as usual intense, but because Todd is generally a miserable man, wrapped up in his grief and anger, the role doesn't give Depp much chance to shine beyond those particular emotions. Carter certainly looks the part for this film - her cleavage alone deserves its own screen credit. And with her large eyes darkened with shadows and paints, she looks sickly and as though someone took a perfectly beautiful doll and then went all Marilyn Manson on it - still attractive but very very creepy. (Not that I'm saying Manson is attractive. You get what I'm saying.)

Ed Sanders plays the part of Toby, a young lad who has a substantial part in the film, but I won't tell you more for fear of spoilers. But he's got a nice singing voice, and I expect we'll see him again. Watch for an unctuous cameo from Peter Pettigrew himself, Timothy Spall, and Sacha Baron Cohen as well.

Animals: It's never good to be a cockroach. Or a man in need of a shave. I don't recall any animal abuse but people get enough horror-show treatment on their own.

Overall: I had to sit down and think about it, but this movie really creeped me out more than anything. It's well put together, the casting is good, the singing is credible, etc, but it's just not my thing. I've got other Depp movies I'd rather watch again. Two and a half roses out of five.

Another Gem

I know I've been a bit of a grump lately. There's just so much going on in my head, it's kind of full. I could explain it, but it wouldn't make much sense to you. Or it would sound silly. So...a little bit of joy.

I'm at home watching 'Mary Poppins', which I taped off ABC Family last night only to recall today that I actually have that movie on VHS. Oh well.

How can you not love this movie? The music is fantastic, the animation with live action was before its time and the leads are charismatic. Dick Van Dyke is actually kind of adorkable, and Juie Andrews is exquisitely lovely. Plus it's just fun. I could sing 'Chim Chim Cheree' all day.

Besides, how can you not love a musical that includes a line that goes, "Although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group, they're rather stuuuuuupid" ?? :-D