What is Instinct, and What is Prejudice?

I'm asking myself that question this evening after an unusual encounter, and I'm interested to hear what you think.

I was pulling into the driveway of a friend's house to cat-sit this evening when I saw a woman walking along the side of the road. She was African-American, slightly heavyset and probably around 40. I gave her a quick smile - the kind you give other drivers at a 4-way stop. Then I pulled up the driveway, parked the car behind the house and got out of the car.

Then I see this woman walking up the driveway, asking me, "Are you from around here?" I say "no," thinking she's going to ask a question about the neighborhood - perhaps to locate a house or a business - but I do find it odd she's just walked up the driveway without invitation. (The neighbors, an unusual bunch but generally friendly, are out on their deck talking and are within sight and earshot, so I feel relatively safe. Had they not been there, I would have been much more on edge if a stranger approached me.)

The woman starts in on a tale about how she's been walking around for two days since her mother died. I don't even let her finish to get to whatever it is she wants, since I sense a request coming; I suggest she go downtown to the train station area, since I think she's asking for transportation. She says she's been down there and they can't help her. I see she's wearing a white t-shirt, backwards and inside out, but she doesn't look entirely unkempt. I suggest she go downtown to Ministry with Community. She says she's been there and a woman named Judy Mingus told her there was no funding left.

Now, I know Judy Marcusse Mann who runs Ministry with Community, and although I know funding is usually a problem at her organization, I'm torn by the idea that this woman could have talked to Judy, since she knows her name (or close anyway), and by the feeling that if this woman was in such dire straits as she claims, Judy would find her assistance (and perhaps she knows Judy from past visits to Ministry). So I interrupt her in a firm voice and tell her, no, Ministry with Community would help her if she desperately needed help and there's also the Gospel Mission downtown too, as well as several other places. At this point, she gives up and heads down the driveway again.

I go into the house and then a few minutes later I go out through the front door to get the mail, and I see her walking by again from the other direction - meaning she didn't go back downtown as I directed her, but walked up the street further (which doesn't get you any more houses).

So here's what bothers me about the encounter. Was it my instincts that told me she was telling me a fairy tale? Or was it a form of prejudice? And what was it that made me suggest the train station, Ministry with Community and the Gospel Mission, all sites for poor people, many of whom are African-American? (I've been there, so I know what the population is like.)

I asked myself, as I went through the house feeding the fish and petting the cats, that had she been white, would I still have reacted the way I did? I'm pretty sure I would have (had the person been male of any race, I expect I would have had my cell phone out in seconds). I also have to admit the last several times I've been 'panhandled' for lack of a better word, the person has been black.

Now I'm not making any statements, blanket or otherwise, about African-Americans, and most of you know me well enough to know that's not how I live my life. But to NOT question something just because someone is African-American, is taking PC to the extreme.

This same friend of mine and I were discussing instinct the other day, and she said not enough people trust theirs, and I agreed. I was telling her about a guy who lives in my complex. He's white, probably around 45, tall and skinny with a dark mustache, usually wearing a short sleeved button down shirt and jeans, and he's always in the road smoking a cigarette. If I don't see him four or five times a week, that's unusual. And there's something about this guy that gives me the creeps. I can't explain it. He hasn't done anything particularly odd, unless you count the fact that he comes out into the road to smoke a cigarette instead of using his balcony or patio. But there's something about him that causes me to avoid eye contact with him when I drive by. In fact, I've taken to going the other way around to my apartment if I spot him out in the road. I don't know why. I mean, maybe you've met my neighbor Harley Man. The guy's straight from central casting in the biker man role, and I'm not the least afraid of him. (The yorkie pup he and his wife have has a lot to do with that. You can't be afraid of a guy who carts around a two-pound dog.)

So when am I trusting my instincts, and when am I making a rush judgment? Tonight I lingered around the friend's house for several minutes (all I needed to do was feed the fish and make sure the cats had plenty of water and the house wasn't too warm, and all was well, so I didn't need to stay - I'd checked on them extensively earlier in the day), and when I went out again I looked around carefully, and I didn't see the woman at all. The neighbors know the homeowner and are friendly to her, they've chatted with me briefly, and the house has various lights on, so I felt reasonably safe leaving the house. But I'm still a shade nervous and won't be relieved until I go back in the morning to be extra extra sure all is well.

And is that a racist attitude? To assume somebody might break in? I lock my car in my parents' driveway in the middle of Caucasian Howell, so I think that's more of my safety concerns than racism (too many episodes of Cold Case Files and Forensic Files). But I have to tell you, I felt guilt for shoving that woman off abruptly without even asking her specifically what she wanted - even when my instinct told me she wasn't in the kind of need she expressed. Also, I always try to be nice to people, and so being deliberately curt is difficult for me, and usually induces guilt.

I think of myself as pretty open-minded, although I have my blind spots (and they tend to do more with things other than race - like money, for example, I'll be honest), and after having seen 'Crash' not too long ago, it's on my mind. I'm honest enough to recognize those spots. But right now I'm trying to convince myself that instinct is there for a reason, and I should recognize it for what it's telling me - and trust that, instead of questioning my behavior.