Why Do We Even Say It?

I was reading the funnies today and one of them is in the middle of a story involving a mom dealing with her teenage daughter who is concerned with how she looks. In the last installment, the mom said, "It doesn't matter how you look, it matters what you do."

She's half right.

Of course it matters what you do. How many really good-looking people have you met who turned out to be total jerks? They sure get less attractive as they go along, don't they?

But it's absolute bullshit to say 'it doesn't matter how you look.' It ABSOLUTELY matters.

People judge you immediately by how you look. Let's look at your clothes. Is this person rich or poor? Does this person dress like I do, thus making them more relatable? Are they clean? Do their clothes fit them? Do they care about how they look?

And let's look at physical features. Do I find this person attractive? Are they thin or fat? Do I approve of how they look?

If we run around pretending looks don't matter, maybe we're aiming for that time when they really won't. But the fact is, they do. I'll admit it - I don't want to sleep with someone I don't find attractive on both levels - mentally AND physically. If he doesn't take care of himself physically - doesn't shower regularly, or is grossly overweight, or just doesn't appeal to me - that's going to cut into my attraction to him, regardless of whether he's the sweetest guy in the world.

Plus, when we tell kids that stuff doesn't matter, we're not preparing them for how it works in the real world. There are studies that say that attractive people are perceived to do better in their jobs. They get more respect, more attention, you name it. Other studies show that overweight people, on the other hand, are treated with less respect, regardless of how well they actually perform their jobs. How do YOU look at the woman who wears the Grandma Christmas sweater to work over Sansabelt pants and orthopedic shoes? Chances are you treat her totally differently than her same-age, same-job coworker who gets her hair done regularly, who carries a Coach purse and wears a suit every day over pointed-toe kitten heels.

I'm not saying we should ONLY pay attention to how people look. That's remarkably shallow, and really, in the end, it DOES matter most what you do. How many people you might call 'unattractive' or 'ugly' become more attractive to you the more you know about them? But I think we do kids a disservice by saying that stuff doesn't matter AT ALL. It's in your best interest to present your most attractive self, in work, in play, anywhere. It will help you make friends, meet people, do well at work and socially.

I'm NOT advocating living by Cosmo's rules of dressing or Elle or whatever people read. Or living by designer labels. You can do that all wrong too - and any of you who know me know that's not who I am. But I AM advocating being honest when we try to boost kids' self esteem - only for them to find out the hard way that that stuff is still going to matter once you leave the hallowed high school halls. You make the choices about how you look and how you present yourself. You can make the choice not to pursue style over comfort. But recognize it's going to affect how you are perceived, from when you are old enough to dress yourself, until you die. So will all the things you can't control - how you're built, for example. You might just get the short end of the gene stick. You can learn to make it work for you instead of pretending that 'that stuff doesn't matter.' It sure does.

And maybe there's a way we can be honest about that, without crushing kids and making them think it's just going to be like high school for the rest of their lives, or that people only want to know what they look like, not who they are or what they do. I just wish I knew how to be honest without creating more problems in the process. I just don't think we should lie to kids and say, "Hey, it doesn't matter that Sally will be a size 2 for the rest of her life and will always be hella gorgeous." That's crap. It DOES matter. She WILL be treated differently than a person who is just as smart and rich as she is, who does just as many good things as she does, but who happens to be considered by society to be less attractive. They could even wear the same labels in appropriate sizes and get their hair done the same way. Sally will 9 times out of 10 be treated better.

And to pretend any differently, is to delude ourself about how our world works.