Learning Something

The last few weeks have been nothing but crazy! My brother got married and I was in the wedding, two couples I know have broken up, one is getting engaged, and one of my coworkers wants to come over and hang out. So for a while there I was feeling really overwhelmed with everything.

I'm one of those people who knows they're selfish. I know I am. I think it's because I'm in a place where I feel like I'm close to a lot of people, but not the closest person to any of them. So how do I explain this without sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself? (Which I'm not.) Most of my friends and family members are married and/or have kids, and when the chips are down, those are the people they think of first - and they should! So I've developed a sense of looking out for myself, and often that manifests as selfishness. That, and in the past I used to bend over backwards to make people like me, and as I got older, I got sick of doing that, so I'm a lot more solitary than I used to be, and even more independent than I was growing up.

So when I started feeling just overwhelmed with everything that was going on, I heard me asking myself, "Should I feel this way?" And answering, "No, these people need you and you want to be needed, and so you shouldn't feel this way. You shouldn't be selfish and think about yourself right now. You should be a good friend/family member."

Well, the problem is, I kept feeling that way. And finally it occurred to me: it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong that I feel this way, the fact is, I FEEL THIS WAY. And I have to operate from that assumption, instead of pretending that how I feel must be wrong. Because I was ignoring that I was feeling stressed out, overwhelmed, even a little smothered, and I started feeling really tense and tightly wound. But if I'm not feeling like myself, how can I be a good friend to somebody else?

Let me emphasize, nobody is doing anything wrong. I was honored to be part of the wedding, and I WANT to be a good listener/friend to those people going through breakups to do what I can to help, and be there for the person now planning her wedding. It's not fair for me to lean on these folks and then disappear when they need me. It's just that it happened all at once, and the holidays are coming, and I was getting behind on my preparations. My house was a mess, on top of everything, and that always makes me tense. And I will have been in three weddings in less than a year. Which makes me feel incredibly loved and cared for, and yeah, a little stressed, but that comes with the territory. :-)

So I just said to myself, "Take this weekend and just do what you got to do." So I did. And I turned down some opportunities to get together with friends, and at first I felt guilty. Then I told myself again that it didn't matter if it was right or wrong, I feel the way I feel.

And I already feel a lot better. I got some Christmas shopping done, cleaned up my closet, did some other necessary housecleaning, and generally started to feel back in control of my life. I didn't answer the phone or call anybody. Yeah, I went kind of hermit.

Now I can get back in touch with those people who need someone to talk to and be a better friend to them, and all I've done is taken three days to myself. And I've realized I'm past the age where I should worry about what other people are going to say is right or wrong, but be in tune with how I feel and take care of that, without hurting or neglecting anybody else. I didn't run around telling all of these people, "Don't call me!! I'm stressed because of you!" or something equally asinine and untrue. I just kind of retreated. So nobody else got hurt because of what I decided to do.

But in the process, I think I learned to take a better look inward and respect that how I feel is how I feel, whether it feels right or wrong.